When I’m bored at work, one of my favorite things to do is search the web for writing material. Every artists needs a muse and what better way to find one than to search the World Wide Web. It also helps to be in a group chat with your best friends who are very insightful to this very same need. Our group consists of 3 three and 2 guys, (it sounds like a terrible, over-populated porno) and we are constantly sharing stories of our relationship past, present, and future.
I’ve never been one to use a dating app. No judgments on those who have/do, but reading some of those profiles and hearing some of this insane stories that follow it, I’m kind of glad I stayed away! Some of my favorite Tinder stories comes from my very own “Tinderella,” named Jacklyn. She entered the Tinder game strong and has met some pretty interesting people and penises along the way.
At least 7 or so times a day, we get an update on Jackie’s love life. Whether it be a dick pic, or a screen shot of a dirty message she received from some guy she met the night before, she is happy to share it with us. These guys are RELENTLESS! Anyway, some of these guys have offered to take her on vacation, send her MONEY, and just buy her whatever she wanted. Most of the time she didn’t have to do anything in return. This is just how desperate some men are for any type of female companion. I call these men “Pigs.” I’d like to refer to her as a high-class hooker? Does that sound about right? However, it’s not always the man that is the player. Jackie knows how to play the game, and over the past year or so, she’s mastered it. Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of my favorite stories as told by the one and only, Tinderella:
“When I was stationed in Savannah, Georgia, I was big on Tinder because I was new to the area and wanted to meet new people besides the people in the military. Well, lucky for me, I matched right away with this strapping young man. Now, being that I’m from the Jersey Shore, I was looking for someone that was possibly from back home if not someone closer to the North.” —- OK, Jack.
“He was the perfect match because he works on a fishing boat and stays mostly in the New York/New Jersey area. So my thinking was ‘OK, this guy must be somewhat like us if he works up there for 6 months at a time. So he comes to pick me up and of course I wasn’t ready to go. I hand him a beer and I finished my glass of wine. About ten minutes later I was finally ready to go and we walked outside to his PICK UP TRUCK. What he neglected to tell me was that inside of the truck he had some dead ducks, some raccoon hats, and of course the typical cowboy hat.” You don’t really see many men from Jersey driving around with dead animals while rocking a Raccoon hat. If I was in this situation, I would have run the opposite way. But Jackie is a trooper and was probably horny. “We continued driving and he put on some George Strait, and I swear he took the longest way possible to get into town. The entire time I had to listen to him go on and on about how he likes to go mudding, and hunting, (clearly), and everything else Hill Billy. I felt like I was Forrest and he was Bubba. This was already going terribly and we hadn’t even made it to our destination.
“FINALLY, we made it to the Rooftop which is an upscale bar on top of a hotel which overlooks the Savanah River. It sounds like it would be the perfect date right? Yeah, not really. Thankfully I see some of my co-workers there and I go over to hang with them because I need to get away from the reject cast member of Duck Dynasty. But he made his way over to us anyway, introduced himself, then awkwardly walked away. Now, this is when things got weird. He comes back over to me, looks me dead in the eye, and says ever-so seriously, “I bet you can’t get those two guys to buy you a drink!” WHAT THE FUCK? What type of a dare is that? OF course I can get these two guys to buy me a drink! I follow suite and he follows me and introduces himself as my BOYFRIEND. That’s like a four letter word to me. No thank you. Move along. At this point in time, I had no other options. I needed to find a way out of this disaster date before I ended up like one of those poor ducks in the backseat of his truck. I slowly made my way back over by my friends, and of course creepzilla was two steps behind. Out of nowhere, he grabs my face in attempt to kiss me! I quickly turned away and said I needed to use the restroom. I walked into the bathroom, chugged my free beer, then casually walked out the back door leaving my poor date at the bar lonely and with blue balls.”
The moral of this story is guys, if you ever come across this lovely lady on Tinder, SWIPE LEFT!